From Darkness to Christ
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by Barb Lamfers
I appeared to be a pretty normal girl until I graduated from high school in 1969 and went off to my chosen college, Luther College in Decorah, IA for summer school before my freshman year there.
I was going to be a social worker because I loved to help people. As a child I was really sensitive, and held back tears a lot. If a teacher was not perfectly pleased with me, I could hardly stand it. I often felt very, very guilty.
I grew up with my twin sister. There was no physical abuse in our home, but there was lots of stress, lots of yelling between my mom and dad. It seemed my goal was to be sure Mommy was happy. If she was OK, it was OK at home. (Isn't there a little saying about keeping mama happy? :-))
The slightest little things that Brenda and I did wrong seemed to upset her a lot. A feeling of being on pins and needles was common. No one ever said 'I love you' at all, and there were no hugs.
In junior high I was invited to a friend's house overnight. They laughed, hugged, and I realized how RELAXED I was!! It was so different from how I usually felt, and one of the first times I realized everybody didn't live like we did.
But yet I knew our folks loved us, in the best way they knew how. My dad drank way too much, and from the outside people would think that he was the problem. Actually, he was the more normal one. Mom felt trapped in a marriage she didn't want to be in, and it was her second one like this.
She worked very hard to help provide the things we needed. She couldn't demonstrate love, but she loved us.
We went to a little mainline church where my mom was the organist. Sunday morning church was a way of life. I had Sunday school attendance pins hanging down three inches. I was baptized as an infant, confirmed in junior high, but didn't know Jesus.
In my head, yes, but not in my heart. I didn't know how to be saved and have my sins forgiven.
At college I began to show the first signs of a serious depression. I quit attending classes, started cutting my wrists with a razor blade. Not too deep, but I found that physical pain helped ease the horrible emotional pain.
I began walking on concrete beams behind the union, that went out over a valley 100 feet below. I'd walk out to the end (8 feet), turn around and come back. I didn't really care if I fell, or if I stayed on the beam. My thinking became delusional. I was beginning to show all the typical signs of schizophrenia.
My friends of course were concerned, called the school doctor. After a visit with the psychiatrist I was tricked into going into the psych unit back home.
This was the start of 13 years of severe depression/schizophrenia. Different doctors differed in their diagnoses. I would be hospitalized over 10 times, the longest 7 months. When my insurance would cover it, I was in the local mental health unit; when it wouldn't, I went to the state mental hospital 25 miles from home.
I was put on all kinds of drugs, sometimes so many that I was like a zombie. I had shock treatments which left me with a little memory loss to this day. They absolutely terrified me. There were overdoses of pills, more wrist cutting, trips to intensive care.
When I wasn't in the hospital I saw my psychiatrist once a week, year after year. I knew that I was worthless, and my family and the world would be so much better without me. Through all of this I knew God was real, but he was so vague--I didn't know how to reach him.
At 19 I married a man who was not much more stable than I. He was slapping me before we married. When we had been married for a year, during a fight he choked me until I passed out. I realized this behavior was not conducive to staying alive--I left and we were divorced.
I began six years of "looking for love in all the wrong places" as the song says. How I wanted unconditional love! I'm not proud of the many relationships I had with men, many of those with father figures. I was fairly attractive, and men who were supposed to be of help to me took advantage of my vulnerability.
There was a social worker, a voc. rehab. counselor and even a Catholic priest at the state hospital that I became involved with. They were not all to blame--I wanted fatherly hugs, and of course they wanted more. I was a pleaser--whatever just about anybody wanted I was willing to give them.
My tremendous guilt grew. In 1977 I met the greatest man who ever came my way. I had moved back home with my folks (this happened a lot during the sick years) and had a garage sale on a Saturday morning. A man walked over from across the street. I always say that he never bought anything, and he's quick to say, "Yaa, but I've been paying ever since." Larry loved me for me, was not frightened of my mental illness.
We married in 78, and he never stopped encouraging me that I could do anything I set my mind to.
In 82 my sister began attending an evangelical church with her family. They were so happy, and had accepted Christ. They invited Larry and me. Finally we began coming.
The pastor and ladies in the church pointed out scriptures that were foreign to me, John 3:3 "You must be born again" and Ephesians 2:8&9 "For we are saved by grace through faith and that not of ourselves, it is the gift of God, not of works lest no one should boast." Wow, my good works wouldn't save me!! But I felt very, very guilty. I didn't believe the Lord could forgive me.
Larry had been raised Catholic and had received Christ while in the Navy at the age of 20. But when his first marriage ended he had turned his back on the Lord. He was backslidden, and knew he wasn't right with God.
On Sunday morning, Nov. 14, 1982 we went to church. The message was excellent, about God's forgiveness. The pastor said that just as a fisherman catches his fish before he cleans them, so does Jesus. We can come to him JUST AS WE ARE. Then he will make the changes.
Larry was convicted, and when Pastor gave the invitation, Larry walked to the alter. I sat there glued to my seat, so convicted, but I couldn't go up. I would someday, but not today. Larry was again right with the Lord and he was so joyous all day.
I was miserable, and I would try to start an argument with him, to see if he was really different. He had the joy of the Lord, and wouldn't argue about anything!
We went back to church that night and Larry testified. I smiled a fake grin, but I was MISERABLE. Talk about conviction. The Lord wasn't done with me yet!
That night about 10 to midnight long after Larry went to bed, I knew I had to talk to the Lord. I read in my Bible the verses that had been shown me about salvation.
I still truly did not believe Jesus could forgive me. But sitting on the couch I began praying a simple prayer, "Lord, your word says you'll forgive anyone who comes to you..." Immediately a wonderful warm sensation began at my feet, and flowed to the top of my head.
It was like the anxiety, depression and GUILT were just carried out of my body. I sat like an empty shell for only a moment, when another warm feeling flowed from my head to my toes. It was the peace, love and forgiveness of God. I began sobbing like a baby, because at that moment I knew that not only was I forgiven and saved, I was instantly healed of 13 years of mental illness.
As I say when I share my testimony, I knew I was as forgiven as the Apostle Paul and saved as Billy Graham!!
I knew I was healed, and I flushed all my medications away. How I wanted to tell Larry what God had done--I wrote him a long letter, and went to bed, hugging my Bible all night long. I called my sister and told her I had received Christ--she had been praying for months. The next morning I called my counselor and the psychiatrist that I wouldn't be in anymore--God had healed me.
Mental health counselors get really nervous when a schizophrenic talks this way. From that moment I have never seen a counselor, been hospitalized or taken a psychotropic drug. Jesus took it all away. I can honestly say that my feelings of guilt are totally gone, and I was guilty of more than I have mentioned. "As far as the east is from the west"--that is where Jesus has buried them. If He can forgive me, I MUST forgive myself, and I have.
THAT IS THE GOD WE SERVE!!! I GIVE JESUS ALL THE CREDIT FOR WHAT HE DID. I was as unworthy as anyone can be, but He loved me so much to set me free.
In 87 I began attending college again, and graduated with highest honors in 1991 (when I was 17 I could hardly pass a class.) I prayed for and was allowed to do my social work field practice at the same state hospital I had spent a year in many years before--as a patient.
The 700 Club production crew came to shoot my story the week of my graduation. It was really a wonderful witness to the state hospital staff. The administrator gave us an entire ward for half a day to do several scenes. Many of the staff members would come over to watch, and they did hear what the Lord had done for me!
My written testimony is titled "The greatest miracle" referring to my salvation rather than the healing of mental illness. For that is the greatest miracle that God can do. Any of us on this list who have received Jesus have experienced that greatest miracle.
The 700 club didn't want to broadcast my story because of my salvation, but because of my healing. Churches and women's groups don't invite me to speak for my salvation, but because of my healing.
But they've got it wrong. We have passed from darkness to light, from death to life. That is why everyone of us who have Jesus as our savior should shout it from the rooftops!! Words cannot explain the awesomeness of our Lord's love to do that for us.
And I want to remind anyone on this list, THAT THERE IS NOTHING OUR GOD CAN'T DO. He "is the same yesterday, today, and always" and "He is no respector of persons." He's still in the healing business, ladies! I might not be alive today if He wasn't! THANK YOU, LORD.
I'm sorry this got so long!
Love,
Barb
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